.... that I need to find tall friends. Really tall. So that I have to keep my head tipped back at all times.
How, you might be wondering, did I discover this fact? Well, I decided to pluck my eyebrows today. I have one of those little lighted makeup mirrors (older than dirt) that you set on a table and plug in. It has a magnifying side. As I was leaning forward, studying my rather sparse eyebrows, I noticed the jowls around my mouth were looking very pronounced. Using both hands, I pulled the skin back toward my ears. This resulted in the disappearance of the jowls, but gave me a slash mouth straight out of a horror movie (Attack of the Killer Scarecrow?) So, I lifted the mirror above my head and tilted my head back (fortunately, there is a back on my chair, 'cause I had to tilt back quite a distance!) This gave me the desired result, but sadly means I have to drop all of my short friends. Sigh. One of the problems with being at the taller end of the scale is that most of my friends are shorter than I. Perhaps I should start hanging around with basketball players. It also ruins the chances of ever being "on top" again - at least, with the lights on! If I had known this would happen, I would have enjoyed that position more frequently in my un-jowled youth, let me assure you!
Must go finish my facial. I had planned on using one of those peel-off facial masks until I remembered the last time I did that..... when it came time to peel it off, all that loose facial skin refused to let go, resulting in a look that resembled reverse G-force 3. I swear, if the damned peel-off stuff wasn't blue, I would have just left it, shiny or not.
Oh, and I'd appreciate any hints on getting rid of massive quantities of fine, blonde, baby-hair sideburns that are creeping ever closer to my mouth. (My experience with the peel-off mask has left me rather wary of waxing....) I am sure the plan is for the mutton chops to meet up with the Fu Manchu that has recently sprouted!
One of the blessings of failing eyesight is that one cannot see what all the younger, sharp-eyed folk can see - the evidence that, as we age, we slowly become androgenous. Of course, with men, the hair-creep occurs from their heads down onto their ears, shoulders and backs, making it's way to meet up with the stuff on their butts (turning their heads into shiny bald butts, and their asses into a veritable forest, albeit a gray, slightly curly one. Upside down babies.)
Please don't think I won't miss all you short people, because I will, but in the interests of vanity, I'm afraid you simply have to be replaced.... at least until the inevitable shrinkage stoops all of us to the same height, and we are all peering through our cataract-clouded eyes, wondering whether that's Mr or Mrs Jones hobbling up to us.
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, July 25, 2008
Special Friday "Review" Round-up
REDNECK PRODUCT REVIEW
The Bag Lady reads a lot of health and fitness blogs (she's not sure why, because she got rid of her health a long time ago!) and thoroughly enjoys the product reviews that several bloggers have been doing lately. The Bag Lady thought that perhaps it was time to do a few comparisons for you.
REDNECK STEP AEROBICS
The Bag Lady uses her front-end loader or her tractor for her step aerobics work-outs. She gets in and out several times every morning when feeding her cows in the winter. In the summer, she is up and down the steps into her house what feels like a million times a day!
REDNECK TREADMILL
The Bag Lady has read a lot of comparisons about different treadmills, and has determined that hers is the best. She actually goes somewhere when she works out on her treadmill! The only downside is having to sidestep the occasional cow pie, but that becomes easier with practice.
REDNECK WEIGHT LIFTING
There has been some discussion on several of the fitness blogs about whether working out with weights should be done every day, and whether it will cause women to develop huge muscles. The Bag Lady is here to tell you that lifting weights on a regular basis will not cause women to develop "manly" muscles. She lifts heavy things all the time and still looks like a bleeping marshmallow! (this photo shows the metal roller that the Bag Lady has been talking about.)
REDNECK BOSU BALL
The bosu ball is gaining in popularity, and the Bag Lady can think of nothing better than exercising while trying to maintain your balance. She combines balancing with lifting weights. She manages this when helping to install rollers in the baler, which entails standing on the bouncy rubber baler belts while lifting a 5-foot long, 50-lb metal roller over her head into a space where it doesn't want to go! An additional incentive to keeping your balance are the sharp metal prongs that protrude between each belt upon which you could impale yourself quite easily if you fell!
REDNECK YOGA
The Bag Lady practices redneck yoga in her garden on a daily basis. She generally only practices the "downward dog" pose, but feels the stretching is good for the back of her legs, and she certainly manages to get rid of lots of weeds at the same time!
REDNECK KETTLEBELL
The newest craze that seems to be rippling through the fitness community is the kettlebell. The Bag Lady doesn't have a kettlebell, but she does have a big ol' cast iron dutch oven that gives you much the same kind of a workout when you use it to cook over an open fire. Sling this puppy around to make all your meals, and you'll have terrifically toned arms in no time. There's also the added benefit of the heat from the fire, if slinging the dutch oven doesn't make you sweat! If done properly, you will also tone your abs and the muscles in your legs. Unfortunately, it only comes in two colours - black or rusty black.
REDNECK ROOT PICKING
She does have several other exercises that don't have an equivalent in the gym, unless perhaps you compare picking roots and rocks to doing squats and lunges. There is also grain-shoveling, manure shoveling, carrying pails of oats to feed to cows, and wrangling calves when it comes time to do any of the essentials like ear-tagging them. Of course, compared to previous generations, the Bag Lady has it pretty soft. She has only stacked square bales once in her life, which was terrifying because she's afraid of heights. She has never had to pitch bundles or stook bales or do any of the really hard physical labour that used to be done. Yup, she might have to start going to the gym in order to get a real work-out!
The Bag Lady hopes you have enjoyed her redneck product review, and encourages you to try some of these products at home.
The Bag Lady reads a lot of health and fitness blogs (
REDNECK STEP AEROBICS
The Bag Lady uses her front-end loader or her tractor for her step aerobics work-outs. She gets in and out several times every morning when feeding her cows in the winter. In the summer, she is up and down the steps into her house what feels like a million times a day!
REDNECK TREADMILLThe Bag Lady has read a lot of comparisons about different treadmills, and has determined that hers is the best. She actually goes somewhere when she works out on her treadmill! The only downside is having to sidestep the occasional cow pie, but that becomes easier with practice.
REDNECK WEIGHT LIFTING
There has been some discussion on several of the fitness blogs about whether working out with weights should be done every day, and whether it will cause women to develop huge muscles. The Bag Lady is here to tell you that lifting weights on a regular basis will not cause women to develop "manly" muscles. She lifts heavy things all the time and still looks like a bleeping marshmallow! (this photo shows the metal roller that the Bag Lady has been talking about.)
REDNECK BOSU BALL
The bosu ball is gaining in popularity, and the Bag Lady can think of nothing better than exercising while trying to maintain your balance. She combines balancing with lifting weights. She manages this when helping to install rollers in the baler, which entails standing on the bouncy rubber baler belts while lifting a 5-foot long, 50-lb metal roller over her head into a space where it doesn't want to go! An additional incentive to keeping your balance are the sharp metal prongs that protrude between each belt upon which you could impale yourself quite easily if you fell!
REDNECK YOGA
The Bag Lady practices redneck yoga in her garden on a daily basis. She generally only practices the "downward dog" pose, but feels the stretching is good for the back of her legs, and she certainly manages to get rid of lots of weeds at the same time!
REDNECK KETTLEBELL
The newest craze that seems to be rippling through the fitness community is the kettlebell. The Bag Lady doesn't have a kettlebell, but she does have a big ol' cast iron dutch oven that gives you much the same kind of a workout when you use it to cook over an open fire. Sling this puppy around to make all your meals, and you'll have terrifically toned arms in no time. There's also the added benefit of the heat from the fire, if slinging the dutch oven doesn't make you sweat! If done properly, you will also tone your abs and the muscles in your legs. Unfortunately, it only comes in two colours - black or rusty black.
REDNECK ROOT PICKING
She does have several other exercises that don't have an equivalent in the gym, unless perhaps you compare picking roots and rocks to doing squats and lunges. There is also grain-shoveling, manure shoveling, carrying pails of oats to feed to cows, and wrangling calves when it comes time to do any of the essentials like ear-tagging them. Of course, compared to previous generations, the Bag Lady has it pretty soft. She has only stacked square bales once in her life, which was terrifying because she's afraid of heights. She has never had to pitch bundles or stook bales or do any of the really hard physical labour that used to be done. Yup, she might have to start going to the gym in order to get a real work-out!
The Bag Lady hopes you have enjoyed her redneck product review, and encourages you to try some of these products at home.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Mixed Bag Lady Day
I know it's not Friday, but this is truly a mixed bag of things that hit the Bag Lady's radar.
The Bag Lady was watching the news last night (practically the only television she pays attention to anymore!) and was astonished to see a story about an attack on a dental office in Edmonton. A man wielding a broken beer bottle rushed into the office and attacked the dentist. He then bit (yes, bit) the dental assistant, and ran out of the office. He has not been apprehended. The dentist is in the hospital; the assistant was treated and released. Let’s hope her rabies shots were up-to-date…
The Bag Lady is also rather glad she retired from dentistry if that's the way people are treating dental assistants nowadays!
There was another little article on the news a few nights ago about a rescued lobster. He wound up in a grocery store tank, doomed to end up on someone’s dinner plate. A fellow and his wife came along and noticed the size of this lobster. He weighed approximately 15 pounds, and they estimated his age at around 60 years. These kind people decided that a lobster who had been around that long deserved to stay around for awhile, so they paid something like $160.00 to the grocery store to rescue him and donate him to a marine museum.
Now this lobster will live out his life in luxury (well, okay, it ain’t the ocean, but at least it’s not a pot of boiling water!), and school children will learn a little bit about crustaceans. The Bag Lady was impressed with this random act of kindness.
The World Series starts tonight. Now, the Bag Lady is not a big sports fan, but she does enjoy watching the World Series. This year she will be rooting for the Colorado Rockies, partly because she lives in the West, but also partly because of one of their pitchers. Jeff Francis is Canadian. Yup, he’s an Aw-shucks Canuck. AND he’s left-handed. This is important to the Bag Lady because she, too, is a south-paw. The Bag Lady wonders if any of you are lefties? How does it affect your life? Do right-handed people sometimes make comments about how awkward you look?
There was another little article on the news a few nights ago about a rescued lobster. He wound up in a grocery store tank, doomed to end up on someone’s dinner plate. A fellow and his wife came along and noticed the size of this lobster. He weighed approximately 15 pounds, and they estimated his age at around 60 years. These kind people decided that a lobster who had been around that long deserved to stay around for awhile, so they paid something like $160.00 to the grocery store to rescue him and donate him to a marine museum.
Now this lobster will live out his life in luxury (well, okay, it ain’t the ocean, but at least it’s not a pot of boiling water!), and school children will learn a little bit about crustaceans. The Bag Lady was impressed with this random act of kindness.
The World Series starts tonight. Now, the Bag Lady is not a big sports fan, but she does enjoy watching the World Series. This year she will be rooting for the Colorado Rockies, partly because she lives in the West, but also partly because of one of their pitchers. Jeff Francis is Canadian. Yup, he’s an Aw-shucks Canuck. AND he’s left-handed. This is important to the Bag Lady because she, too, is a south-paw. The Bag Lady wonders if any of you are lefties? How does it affect your life? Do right-handed people sometimes make comments about how awkward you look?
Things are looking really bad (the Bag Lady almost said heating up, but that would be unkind) in California. Let's hope the federal aid that the president has promised does some good before too many more homes or any more lives are lost.
And a photo that has absolutely nothing to do with any of the topics! My homegrown peppers drying by the stove.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
OF MICE AND WOMEN
Living in the country has many advantages, but it also has some drawbacks. Some of the advantages are obvious, such as the space, the peace and quiet, the wildlife. Ah, the wildlife.
One never knows what will come wandering through the yard on any given day. White-tail deer, mule deer, moose, coyotes, elk, even the odd bear have all passed through at one time or another. The bag lady has also seen foxes, weasels, eagles, owls, hawks and many other birds. She feeds hummingbirds in the summer and has had American Kestrels nesting in her backyard for years. She has also seen mice. Now, the Bag Lady is not afraid of mice. She does not like mice, but she does not fear them. Mice are an inevitable part of country life. They love to nest in hay bales, and are constantly on the look out for a warm place with a ready supply of food.
One such little opportunist found his way into the Bag Lady’s house. The Bag Lady went into her pantry one morning for cereal for her breakfast and her bleary eyes fell upon a tiny shredded pile of cardboard.
Hmmm, says she to herself. Where did that come from? Casting a glance around, she spied some telltale droppings. Needless to say, the Bag Lady was not happy at this turn of events. She spent the entire day cleaning her rather large and overstuffed pantry.
This Herculean task consumed most of her day. It is astonishing how much damage one little mouse can do in a short time. The Bag Lady tossed several garbage bags worth of mangled packages of raisins, coconut, cracker boxes, etc. Mousie showed a great affinity for cornmeal and managed to spread that over one entire shelf.
Everything that was salvageable was washed with a bleach solution as was the entire interior of the pantry. The Bag Lady attached a strip of wood to the bottom of the pantry door in order to ensure Mousie couldn’t get back in, then replaced the food. The Bag Lady fell into bed in exhaustion.
The next morning, the Bag Lady inspected the pantry with an eagle eye. No sign of the mouse. But he had to still be in the house, so she concentrated her efforts on finding the intruder. Her eyes fell upon the stove. Hmmm. Opening the bottom drawer confirmed her suspicions. Now the Bag Lady is pissed. She takes everything out of the drawer and cleans it, then starts cleaning the rest of the oven. Pulls it out from the wall, inspects behind it, cleaning everything as she goes. She lifts the top of the stove to clean under the burners and spies a little pile of insulation sticking out of a hole. By this time, the monotony of cleaning has lulled her into a false sense of security and she mindlessly pokes her finger at the fluffy stuff. She practically levitates when the fluffy stuff pokes back!
Out of the hole scurries a little mouse. He dashes across the stove top and into a corresponding hole on the other side. The Bag Lady loses control of her senses and grabs a long metal fork – you know the type – wire, with a shaped handle on one end, a twist in the middle and two prongs for roasting wieners. She shoves this weapon down into the hole on the side of the oven and starts poking around. Somehow, the fork rounds the corner to the back of the stove and there is a sudden huge flash of light and a rather loud noise. The Bag Lady lets go of the fork with a yelp of surprise.
After she turns the electricity back on, she un-plugs the oven and manages to pry the fork off the wire it has welded itself to. Amazingly, the oven still works, so her husband suggests turning the oven on. Once it gets hot enough, the mouse is sure to leave. So the Bag Lady and the cowboy turn the oven on and sit down with a beer to watch the show.
Of course the phone rings, so the cowboy is talking to his buddy when the mouse finally scurries out of the oven. The phone is dropped to the counter and the chase is on. Much yelling and screaming (the cowboy IS afraid of mice) ensues, and 10 minutes later the mouse has been dispatched. Only then does the cowboy pick up the phone again. Much to his surprise, his buddy is still on the other end, laughing so hard he can barely talk.
Ah, life in the country.
One never knows what will come wandering through the yard on any given day. White-tail deer, mule deer, moose, coyotes, elk, even the odd bear have all passed through at one time or another. The bag lady has also seen foxes, weasels, eagles, owls, hawks and many other birds. She feeds hummingbirds in the summer and has had American Kestrels nesting in her backyard for years. She has also seen mice. Now, the Bag Lady is not afraid of mice. She does not like mice, but she does not fear them. Mice are an inevitable part of country life. They love to nest in hay bales, and are constantly on the look out for a warm place with a ready supply of food.
One such little opportunist found his way into the Bag Lady’s house. The Bag Lady went into her pantry one morning for cereal for her breakfast and her bleary eyes fell upon a tiny shredded pile of cardboard.
Hmmm, says she to herself. Where did that come from? Casting a glance around, she spied some telltale droppings. Needless to say, the Bag Lady was not happy at this turn of events. She spent the entire day cleaning her rather large and overstuffed pantry.
This Herculean task consumed most of her day. It is astonishing how much damage one little mouse can do in a short time. The Bag Lady tossed several garbage bags worth of mangled packages of raisins, coconut, cracker boxes, etc. Mousie showed a great affinity for cornmeal and managed to spread that over one entire shelf.
Everything that was salvageable was washed with a bleach solution as was the entire interior of the pantry. The Bag Lady attached a strip of wood to the bottom of the pantry door in order to ensure Mousie couldn’t get back in, then replaced the food. The Bag Lady fell into bed in exhaustion.
The next morning, the Bag Lady inspected the pantry with an eagle eye. No sign of the mouse. But he had to still be in the house, so she concentrated her efforts on finding the intruder. Her eyes fell upon the stove. Hmmm. Opening the bottom drawer confirmed her suspicions. Now the Bag Lady is pissed. She takes everything out of the drawer and cleans it, then starts cleaning the rest of the oven. Pulls it out from the wall, inspects behind it, cleaning everything as she goes. She lifts the top of the stove to clean under the burners and spies a little pile of insulation sticking out of a hole. By this time, the monotony of cleaning has lulled her into a false sense of security and she mindlessly pokes her finger at the fluffy stuff. She practically levitates when the fluffy stuff pokes back!
Out of the hole scurries a little mouse. He dashes across the stove top and into a corresponding hole on the other side. The Bag Lady loses control of her senses and grabs a long metal fork – you know the type – wire, with a shaped handle on one end, a twist in the middle and two prongs for roasting wieners. She shoves this weapon down into the hole on the side of the oven and starts poking around. Somehow, the fork rounds the corner to the back of the stove and there is a sudden huge flash of light and a rather loud noise. The Bag Lady lets go of the fork with a yelp of surprise.
After she turns the electricity back on, she un-plugs the oven and manages to pry the fork off the wire it has welded itself to. Amazingly, the oven still works, so her husband suggests turning the oven on. Once it gets hot enough, the mouse is sure to leave. So the Bag Lady and the cowboy turn the oven on and sit down with a beer to watch the show.
Of course the phone rings, so the cowboy is talking to his buddy when the mouse finally scurries out of the oven. The phone is dropped to the counter and the chase is on. Much yelling and screaming (the cowboy IS afraid of mice) ensues, and 10 minutes later the mouse has been dispatched. Only then does the cowboy pick up the phone again. Much to his surprise, his buddy is still on the other end, laughing so hard he can barely talk.
Ah, life in the country.
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