Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Se* and the Country Girl

The Bag Lady decided to take a stroll down memory lane today. Way back when, before she had a blog of her own, she wrote a guest post that Crabby McSlacker was kind enough to post on Cranky Fitness. The Bag Lady realized that quite a few of her current readers probably never got a chance to read that post, and thought that you might enjoy it. Of course, some of Crabby's longtime readers may recognize it, and the Bag Lady hopes it garners a smile from them, too!

Well, okay, this isn’t about sex, but got your attention, didn’t it? With Crabby away, the Bag Lady thought she would try to fill Crabby’s shoes/claws (not that the Bag Lady has any wild delusions about her abilities…)

Actually, she started out trying to think how she could relate to a bunch of fitness buffs when she is, in reality, quite lazy, slothful, overweight and generally all-around not much good at anything in particular. So, with that out of the way, she’ll try to bluff her way through this.

Life out here in the country is challenging for someone with the Bag Lady’s limited capabilities. Being accustomed to the sedentary life, having in her previous incarnation been a city girl with an office-type job, it has proven to be an eye-opening experience. For all of you trapped in concrete, the fresh air alone takes some getting used to. Especially during the spring thaw, when it is perfumed by eau de manure. There’s nothing quite like it. All of which brings to mind yet another aspect of country life - cows. Those big (and I do mean Big!) deceptively placid creatures who populate the countryside, quietly munching their way through life. They need to be fed, watered, and generally cared for. When calving season comes, they need to be checked constantly (every 2 hours, 24/7) to ensure that they aren’t having any trouble producing their off-spring. This task eventually fell to the Bag Lady when her spouse was away supplementing the ranch income. She will spare you some of the Icky Details, but has to confess that in her wildest dreams as a singing, tap-dancing, amateur thespian-type urbanite, never thought she would one day find herself with her arm up to the shoulder inside the business end of a bovine! Especially when one considers the orifice directly above the one containing said arm.

Occasionally, those cows need to be moved from one place to another, either as a group or independently, depending on the reason. This is where the fitness aspect of ranching comes into play. Cows are generally easy to deal with, as long as you can convince them that it is their own idea to go into that corral/barn/pasture/whatever. If they decide there’s no f***ing way, you have to be able to move quickly and nimbly, something not in the Bag Lady’s repertoire. That said, she has surprised even herself with her ability to get the hell out of the way of a charging 1500 lb cow intent on doing her serious bodily harm. Certainly qualifies as aerobic exercise in the Bag Lady’s experience. (Envision a chubby older woman, doing the 100 yard dash, yelling “What the f**k am I doing here, I’m a dental assistant, for Christ’s sake!”) It’s hardly fair, considering cows have 4 legs, and they usually move so deceptively slowly - it is amazing how fast they can run. Fortunately, the Bag Lady can run faster scared than they can mad.

Calves are fun. They are so cute, especially when they are learning how to move their bodies. Usually around the age of 2 days, they are running, jumping, kicking up their back legs and generally goofing around. Mock bull fights with other calves or their mother, sniffing at the dog, then startling and running away when he licks their nose. They also contribute to the Bag Lady’s fitness routine. Calves need to have ear-tags inserted, and various other things done to them, which is easiest when they are small. Being small (roughly 100 – 150 lbs) doesn’t mean they can’t kick, squirm, wiggle and generally exhaust you. Wrangling some 40 or 50 calves in a hot, smelly barn filled with bawling calves, in the mud and the blood and the shit, while their mothers are outside, bawling for their babies, is something no fitness centre can compete with. Who needs Snoop Dawg when you can have a chorus of honking, bellowing cows expressing their displeasure?

Has the Bag Lady bored you to tears yet? There are other aspects to her fitness routine. For example, you have those step-thingys in your gyms – the Bag Lady has her tractor. Feeding the cows every day in the winter means getting in and out of the tractor roughly 14 or 15 times. (You get in to drive the tractor out of the shop, you get out to close the shop door, you get back in, drive to pick up the big round bale, get out to open the gate, get in to drive through the gate, get out to shut the gate, get in to drive to where you put the feed, get out to cut the strings off, get in to shake out the bale, drive to gate, get out to open the gate, …you get the picture.) This is every day – there is no Not Doing It Because I Don’t Feel Like Exercising Today.

Gee, the Bag Lady just checked her word count and realized she has run way over Crabby’s limit. She’ll just have to save all the other fun stuff for another day! Hope you enjoyed your foray into country life. (Next time will have the sex part…)

**The Bag Lady edited the title of this post because she was tired of it being included in searches for kinky sex! The Bag Lady is a lot of things, but she's really very old-fashioned....


Rupal said...

oh my gorsh! That's quite a day Bag Lady! The calves sound adorable!! Pics please?

Ok, SERIOUSLY on my to-do list: Spend a day manning a ranch. Its a good thing I'm always mucking around here, by the time I get to do it, I'll know the ropes...um, we will just see..

have a great day!

Anonymous said...

she has surprised even herself with her ability to get the hell out of the way of a charging 1500 lb cow intent on doing her serious bodily harm.
I swear you need to get the Rancher to film this and sell it as a workout DVD.
you could kick Jillian's shred dvd's arse.

Reb said...

I enjoyed reading this a second time Sis. The question you pose about WTF are you doing there has crossed my mind too.

Gena said...

Oh, gosh, BL! That's great! Maybe today I'll post some stories about cows getting out.

You know, I went home over Christmas and was hoping to see Mom's cows while there, but the jerks hid from us the whole time!

new*me said...

yes, you got my attention ;)!

Linda said...

Well, life on the farm is kinda laid back...

Do we really think John Denver was a country boy?

JavaChick said...

Did not know you were a Dental Assistant...And while I tend to be nostalgic for my country-living days, I admit I do not miss the spring time smell of manure...

Scrumpy said...

WONDERFUL post Bag Lady! Thanks so much for the re-post.

the Bag Lady said...

Rupal - I'll definitely post more pics of calves. Our cows are due to start calving around the end of March - you might want to book your airline ticket in advance.... :)

Miz - I'm afraid a video of my ranching expertise might be more along the lines of A(u)nti-Fit!!

Reb - that question still crosses my mind occasionally...... :)

Gena - I'd love to read your stories of cows!

Annette - I'm shocked! LOL

Linda - I'm thinking he must have been a grain farmer........ :)

Javachick - the old ranchers always used to say that was the smell of money. Maybe in the old days it was!

SB - you're welcome! Thanks for re-reading! :)

Tom Rooney said...

The reason I stop back here and read about your life, is that you are very genuine with your abilities. Your lifestyle is an honorable profession (i know, sex to come in part 2)that shows compassion, grit, determination and humor and you display everyone of them. I'm sure you need all of those to live in Gods country. Thanks for letting me drop by BagLady.

Melissa said...

I remember this from before!!! It was good then too.

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

One can't be lazy or unfit and work on a farm. The lifestyle may not always lend itself to the type of low-fat buff look that one gets at the gym, but but farm people are strong!

I remember how hard my grandfather used to work on his farm, shearing his own sheep into his 80s. There was always something that needed doing, whether it was repairing fences and outbuildings, or dealing with animals (goats, chickens, sheep) and crops. My cousins and I would tag after him, fascinated, until he would get annoyed to have a bunch of useless kids underfoot and shoo us off!

Don't ever underestimate yourself, BL!

solarity said...

I thought I had gone back through all the archives once I found Cranky Fitness! Apparently not.
I'll report on the fitness workout involved in getting two weeks' worth of garbage up to the road in the hope that the garbage truck will make it this time. Can I heave the container into the back of the jeep while standing on snow-over-ice? Can I drag it on foot up (and down--and up) three-tenths of a mile of gravel under ice under snow? Can you tell I'm jealous of your front loader?

Mary Anne in Kentucky

Anonymous said...

I don't know...I've heard some dental hygiene stories that make cows seem preferable! Do you tap dance for them???

the Bag Lady said...

Tom - thanks for stopping by - you always have something great to say!

Melissa - thanks - glad you enjoyed it (even the second time around!)

BG - thanks! I'm definitely not buff, but can be strong when I need to be..

Mary Anne in Kentucky - I would loan you my front-end loader in a heart beat, but your garbage would be pretty rotten by the time I drove all that way there (top speed is about 15 mph!)

Mealmixer Marianne - I'm sure the arm-flailing occasionally looks like I'm tap-dancing when I'm slip-slidng on the ice.... I have been known to sing to the cows!
They like it. Really.

solarity said...

My grandmother had a Brown Swiss named Dixie who wouldn't let down her milk until you sang "Dixie" for her.

Mary Anne in Kentucky

the Bag Lady said...

Mary Anne in Kentucky - that cracks me up!!

Anonymous said...

WHOA. I didn't see this on Cranky's site, so I'm glad you re-posted it! I had no idea you were a former city-girl, BL! You must really love the rancher. :)

Anonymous said...

Love this post! I think you get more exercise than any gym-goer :)

Now I'm intrigued about the background story of the Bag Lady. When did you move from city to country? And had you had much country experience before making the move?

Anonymous said...

Gyms might smell like sweat, but manure on a farm smells like money. (That 2nd part is what my husband's grandpa used to always say, so now I say it: "Smells like money")

My knees hurt just thinking about all of the workout you are getting. And I think you need a garage door opener for the tractor so you can cut down on a few of those up and downs!

Redbush said...

Oh, ya! It makes the treadmill look like a pretty menial excercise. All those ups and downs make me tired just thinking about it. You weren't talking about sex, were you?! Ha! At any rate, you can watch those adorable calves grow up to be full-grown cows, some of which have a little psycho in them and like to chase you. Your descriptions of farm work were fabulous! For a once city girl, you know how to operate so many things that I didn't and I was a farm girl all my life! I'm visualizing the arm up to the elbow in the cow's patoot when you are being a midwife. If I did all that you have to do everyday, I'd be wasted! Happy ranching!

Hilary said...

Ah yes, I remember it well. It was somewhere between "Baggie, you need to start your own blog" and "Baggie, you need your own blog right now!"

And my misreading "lap-dancing" for "tap-dancing" almost fulfilled the blog title. ;)

Conny said...

I'm reading this for the first time (missed guest post). A great read. It's just what I was asking you about (in a post a few weeks back). Thanks for reposting "Sex and the Country Girl."

Maggie said...

You are far from lazy and you had me laughing through out the entire post. lol What a great post!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you re-posted an old guest post. And the "mud and the blood.." reminded me of a Johnny Cash song (Me and Bobby McGee, I think).

Missicat said...

Wow! I am tired just reading that.
Love baby farm animals - i am always amazed how many of them are up and running around a couple days after birth!

Crabby McSlacker said...

It's great to see this post again!

I really do believe that you get WAY more exercise than city folks who go to the gym two or three times a week, and spend most of that time getting changed, chatting, and waiting for equipment.

It's funny to remember that you haven't always had your own blog; yours is such an institution now.

the Bag Lady said...

Marste - Yes, I really love the ranch life (and the rancher ain't so bad, either! hehehehe)

Sagan - I've been on the ranch for 14 years. And had no experience, unless you count visiting uncles' farms as a kid....

kcinnova - I wish I did have one of those electric garage door openers... but all I have is me. :)

Redbush - thanks! At least you can ride a horse, though! I'm hopeless when it comes to riding.

Hilary - that comment made me fall off my chair laughing (so much for lap-dancing!) Thanks!

Conny - you're welcome. I thought it might explain a few things about me.

Maggie - thanks - glad you enjoyed it!

Tricia - yes, there is an old country song with that line in it... I think it refers to fighting in a bar, but hey, in some ways, it's all the same! :)

Missicat - I am, too! They advance so quickly, it's amazing!

Crabby - thanks! I had so much fun writing this post for you - it's what really got me started on this blog journey!