A day in the life.....
(Warning: this post is not for the faint of heart - contains graphic language!)
Leap out of bed, run to bathroom, squirt half an ounce of liquid from your butt. Sit there and wait until the cramps subside and you can no longer feel your feet.
Gingerly take a swipe at the brightly burning star in the middle of your butt with what the commercials tout as pillowy soft toilet paper, but has been secretly exchanged for sandpaper.
Readjust clothing, consisting of pajamas, long underwear, warmest housecoat.
Wash hands with soap (again) until they resemble shiny plastic replicas of the soft smooth skin you had a mere 4 days ago.
Shiver your way to the kitchen and peer through the frost-encrusted window at the thermometer which still has not budged from minus 40 (is it broken? It can't possibly still be that frickin' cold).
Open door for dog to go out. Confirm that yes, it is still that frickin' cold.
Huddle deeper into housecoat, waiting by door for dog.
Open door again as dog scampers inside, holding one foot close to body.
Shove as much wood as possible into wood stove.
Curse once again at satellite TV receiver that isn't working (unless you want to watch TSN!)
Shiver your way back to bed, crawling under 14 quilts, shoving 2 cats out of the way. Rub cat hair off face.
Finally warm up, start to drift off to sleep, leap from bed, run to bathroom, squirt half an ounce of liquid from butt.....