I Have Come to the Conclusion.....

.... that I need to find tall friends. Really tall. So that I have to keep my head tipped back at all times.

How, you might be wondering, did I discover this fact? Well, I decided to pluck my eyebrows today. I have one of those little lighted makeup mirrors (older than dirt) that you set on a table and plug in. It has a magnifying side. As I was leaning forward, studying my rather sparse eyebrows, I noticed the jowls around my mouth were looking very pronounced. Using both hands, I pulled the skin back toward my ears. This resulted in the disappearance of the jowls, but gave me a slash mouth straight out of a horror movie (Attack of the Killer Scarecrow?) So, I lifted the mirror above my head and tilted my head back (fortunately, there is a back on my chair, 'cause I had to tilt back quite a distance!) This gave me the desired result, but sadly means I have to drop all of my short friends. Sigh. One of the problems with being at the taller end of the scale is that most of my friends are shorter than I. Perhaps I should start hanging around with basketball players. It also ruins the chances of ever being "on top" again - at least, with the lights on! If I had known this would happen, I would have enjoyed that position more frequently in my un-jowled youth, let me assure you!


Must go finish my facial. I had planned on using one of those peel-off facial masks until I remembered the last time I did that..... when it came time to peel it off, all that loose facial skin refused to let go, resulting in a look that resembled reverse G-force 3. I swear, if the damned peel-off stuff wasn't blue, I would have just left it, shiny or not.

Oh, and I'd appreciate any hints on getting rid of massive quantities of fine, blonde, baby-hair sideburns that are creeping ever closer to my mouth. (My experience with the peel-off mask has left me rather wary of waxing....) I am sure the plan is for the mutton chops to meet up with the Fu Manchu that has recently sprouted!

One of the blessings of failing eyesight is that one cannot see what all the younger, sharp-eyed folk can see - the evidence that, as we age, we slowly become androgenous. Of course, with men, the hair-creep occurs from their heads down onto their ears, shoulders and backs, making it's way to meet up with the stuff on their butts (turning their heads into shiny bald butts, and their asses into a veritable forest, albeit a gray, slightly curly one. Upside down babies.)

Please don't think I won't miss all you short people, because I will, but in the interests of vanity, I'm afraid you simply have to be replaced.... at least until the inevitable shrinkage stoops all of us to the same height, and we are all peering through our cataract-clouded eyes, wondering whether that's Mr or Mrs Jones hobbling up to us.