Monday, January 24, 2011

I Have Come to the Conclusion.....

.... that I need to find tall friends. Really tall. So that I have to keep my head tipped back at all times.

How, you might be wondering, did I discover this fact? Well, I decided to pluck my eyebrows today. I have one of those little lighted makeup mirrors (older than dirt) that you set on a table and plug in. It has a magnifying side. As I was leaning forward, studying my rather sparse eyebrows, I noticed the jowls around my mouth were looking very pronounced. Using both hands, I pulled the skin back toward my ears. This resulted in the disappearance of the jowls, but gave me a slash mouth straight out of a horror movie (Attack of the Killer Scarecrow?) So, I lifted the mirror above my head and tilted my head back (fortunately, there is a back on my chair, 'cause I had to tilt back quite a distance!) This gave me the desired result, but sadly means I have to drop all of my short friends. Sigh. One of the problems with being at the taller end of the scale is that most of my friends are shorter than I. Perhaps I should start hanging around with basketball players. It also ruins the chances of ever being "on top" again - at least, with the lights on! If I had known this would happen, I would have enjoyed that position more frequently in my un-jowled youth, let me assure you!


Must go finish my facial. I had planned on using one of those peel-off facial masks until I remembered the last time I did that..... when it came time to peel it off, all that loose facial skin refused to let go, resulting in a look that resembled reverse G-force 3. I swear, if the damned peel-off stuff wasn't blue, I would have just left it, shiny or not.

Oh, and I'd appreciate any hints on getting rid of massive quantities of fine, blonde, baby-hair sideburns that are creeping ever closer to my mouth. (My experience with the peel-off mask has left me rather wary of waxing....) I am sure the plan is for the mutton chops to meet up with the Fu Manchu that has recently sprouted!

One of the blessings of failing eyesight is that one cannot see what all the younger, sharp-eyed folk can see - the evidence that, as we age, we slowly become androgenous. Of course, with men, the hair-creep occurs from their heads down onto their ears, shoulders and backs, making it's way to meet up with the stuff on their butts (turning their heads into shiny bald butts, and their asses into a veritable forest, albeit a gray, slightly curly one. Upside down babies.)

Please don't think I won't miss all you short people, because I will, but in the interests of vanity, I'm afraid you simply have to be replaced.... at least until the inevitable shrinkage stoops all of us to the same height, and we are all peering through our cataract-clouded eyes, wondering whether that's Mr or Mrs Jones hobbling up to us.

24 comments:

messymimi said...

I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

Sorry we won't be in real life friends soon, as i am only 5' tall, and everyone is taller than me, except children. They like me, i am the first grown up they pass in height!

Married a tall guy so my kids wouldn't be so short, and i would have someone else to reach the high shelves. So far, it is working.

Oh, and i seem to remember an episode of "The Golden Girls" when one of the ladies pointed out to Blanche the very thing you are talking about, convincing her that staying on the bottom was like an instant face lift.

kcinnova said...

ROTFL Just when I got excited about not having to constantly pluck my eyebrows (the uni-brow gave up), I noticed those "stray eyebrows" sprouting up on my chin and neck. Eeeek! Being 5'10" makes it easier for short people to see those stray eyebrows.
Would you please be my tall friend?

Geosomin said...

The word jowls has set me off into a fit of giggles. You're the best :)
I've grown an inch over the last few years - can that qualify me as a taller...ish person? Makes me a whopping 5'5". No? Can I be a watergirl then? *blink blink*

the Bag Lady said...

messymimi - how good is your eyesight? I might be able to make an exception if you can't see very well.... :)

kcinnova - you're in!! (Of course, this means I get to stare at your stray eyebrows, but don't worry, I can't see very well anymore.)

Geo - watergirl? Sure! (Good one!)

Reb said...

I have found that if you stretch your neck like a bird does, that it has somewhat the same effect. Well, it will for a few years anyway ;) As for the fine facial hair, Veet is like a razor, so you get stubble, there is something like sandpaper, but I am not sure I would try it on my face. Electrolysis or just ignoring it seem to be the best choices, at least it is fine and blonde.

Hilary said...

Attagirl! I'm so glad you decided to post this after all. I'm still cracking up. :)

CherylK said...

This is just hilarious...and thanks for telling me I could still be your friend.

Now I know why my mother always nagged about standing up straight. Saggy necks are way less noticeable if you stand up straight...Reb is right about that.

CherylK said...

Oh, and congratulations on winning Hilary's contest!!! So cool!

solarity said...

Wouldn't the simplest solution be to raise your monitor?

Mary Anne in Kentucky, very very good at ignoring things at any height

Dawn said...

I'm an inbetween sort of height but my eyesight sucks so I do hope we can remain friends!

Tabor said...

The truth is funny and thank you for having the courage to write it! Congrats on your POTW.

Elizabeth Grimes said...

That was so funny...funny because everyone can honestly relate. Way to go for writing it, and congrats on your POTW! :)

the Bag Lady said...

Reb - I'm not sure my neck is quite long enough to compensate, but I'll practice! :)

Hilary - thanks for the encouragement!

Cheryl - good posture does help, doesn't it? I'm just surprised no-one has told me not to despair...just keep my chin up!

Mary Anne in Kentucky - good ignorers are welcome here!

Dawn - of course we can! Poor eyesight helps immensely, of course.

Tabor - welcome to my strange little world! And thanks for stopping by!

Elizabeth - thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

"Threading" might be something to try..I am considering it for the rapidly appearing fine facial hair .. as soon as I can get a good recommendation .. a lot of darker skinned European and East Indian gals I know swear by the practice to remove facial and arm hair.

Anonymous said...

sorry - my earlier post from Anon was from your abby cuz

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh yes! I want all tall friends too : ) Then I will look thinner. I am going to start looking for them at once!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Stopping by from Hilary's POTW and sooooo glad I did. I feel your pain but never thought of limiting my friends to tall people. I think you on to some there....

I yiyi, aging stinks but this was a terrific post.

Cheers, jj

the Bag Lady said...

OH, yes, cuzzie - I had forgotten about threading! I knew a girl in college who did that (she was from Pakistan - one of the most gorgeous women I've ever known!) She made it look easy, but when I tried it, I realized there is definitely a knack to it! Must practice (perhaps on the Rancher.... or... not.)

Life with Kaishon - Good point!! Yet another reason to find taller friends! Thanks for stopping by!

Thanks for visiting, Joanna - glad you enjoyed the post. (How tall are you? Will we be friends? LOL)

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Sometimes I forget to take my reading glasses off while on a trip to the bathroom. I look in the mirror while washing my hands and scare the crap out of myself. Must remember to take those off so I don't notice how much my face has changed.

Enjoyed the post.

Sagan said...

Sugaring - it's gentler than waxing and better for your skin, but it works kind of in the same way (sugar is warmed up and then they take the hair off that way). I have to use it around my chin... I think it's the result of trying to pluck around there. Or maybe at 22 my hormone levels are already going out of whack? Oh dear.

But yes. I definitely recommend sugaring.

Frank Baron said...

Funny stuff, Baggy. :)

Luckily, my features haven't changed since 1997 which, coincidentally, was the last time I looked in a mirror.

the Bag Lady said...

Midlife Jobhunter - I can relate! (*note to self - try to remember to remove reading glasses before looking in mirror!)
Thanks for stopping by!

Sagan - thanks for the tip! I will definitely have to give that a try.

Frank - I may have to follow your lead - remove all the mirrors in the house.... or replace them with pictures of a more youthful me! (Better yet, replace them with pictures of someone really gorgeous!)

CherylK said...

Stopping back to tell you congrats on the POTW!! Wow...first you win the prize and then POTW. That is awesome and you deserve both.

the Bag Lady said...

Aww - thanks, Cheryl! I was tickled pink to win the prize, and embarrassed (so, also pink) about the POTW! :)