Monday, January 18, 2010

HOW TO ALIENATE AN OLDER WOMAN

(in ten easy steps)

1) Simply BE 34 yrs old, blonde, slender, and attractive (and OWN it). That's a great start, especially if you are dressed provocatively.

2) Arrive drunk at the home of the older woman. Twice. That's sure to impress.

3) When the fat, frumpy, fifty-something's hubby proclaims that his neck is bothering him, leap to your feet and immediately start massaging him. (Especially after plopping yourself down right beside him when there is plenty of room to keep your distance).

4) Explain to the F-3 that you really weren't trying to come on to her man.

5) Beak off about how much you love your boyfriend, and how devoted you are to each other (after less than a month of living together), and be sure to bat your eyes at Mr F-3 whilst you do so.

6) Show off your superior conversation skills talking about how much you love your boyfriend's children, and how you have to work so hard to get them to obey you after they spend time with their mother. Be sure to do this right after you explain that your own two sons are living with their fathers (plural) but that you talk to them on the phone periodically.

7) Later in the evening, be sure to complain bitterly about what a terrible housekeeper the previous wife was (
not true) and how hard you have had to work to whip the place in to shape. THEN, in response to the F-3's self-deprecating joke regarding her own lack of house-keeping skills, cast your critical eye around the room and proclaim that you could, probably, stand to live in this house. Oh, and don't forget to add a few tips regarding how to clean.

8) Slather your lips with gloss every ten minutes.

9) Stagger out to the living room and pass out on the couch.

10) Wake up, stagger back to the kitchen, join in the conversation briefly before whispering to the fat, frumpy, fifty-something's hubby that you "have a LOT of pubic hair!" before staggering back to the living room to pass out again!

These few tips are guaranteed to ensure that you will make a lasting impression, really.

42 comments:

Crazylady said...

Holy crap !!??! That's a bad sitcom surely? Did you kill her?

Hilary said...

Please PLEASE tell me she woke up looking like this.

Her boyfriend must be a very good friend of you and the Rancher because I can't imagine any other reason you'd put up with her.

David Cranmer said...

I'm with Crazylady. Is she still among the living?

Miz said...

O
M
G.

(and I never use those three letters.)

more please.

Gail said...

You have the patience of a saint!

the Bag Lady said...

Crazylady - nah. Although the remark about my housekeeping skills DID tick me off a little!

Hilary - Hahahahaha - I never even thought of doing something like that, but thanks for the suggestion for next time!

David - it was a little like watching a train wreck - that feeling of powerlessness combined with the inability to look away.

Miz - she was fortunate that I didn't hear what she whispered at the time.... hubby told me the next day, and he was still baffled. Cracked me right up!

Gail - err, not sure I'd say "saint" - it was more a case of bemusement!

JavaChick said...

Oh my lord.

Speechless.

the Bag Lady said...

JavaChick - I know the feeling.....

Leah J. Utas said...

Good one, df Bag Lady. Good for you for taking a damned trying situation and seeing the humour in it.
I bet if Ms Lotta Pubes saw this she wouldn't see herself.

the Bag Lady said...

dfLeah - gah! I hope not!!! I'd be mortified. Besides, she's probably too busy cleaning..... :)
(Can anyone tell which action/statement of hers made the lasting impression?)

Gena said...

Good lord! I'm not sure if I could have handled that situation without either screaming my head off, or laughing the whole night away!

the Bag Lady said...

Gena - I mostly laughed. Well, except at the comment about being able to "stand" living in my house.... like it was almost up to her standards. *snort*

Geosomin said...

Wow.
That's just all kinds of charming.

10 points for you for not just tossing her out into the barn with the other cows...

the Bag Lady said...

Geo - hahahaha. (She would have frozen to death, the way she was dressed.....)

solarity said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
solarity said...

[I've had my coffee. Why can't I spell? Or proofread?]

Number two would be all it would take to alienate me. The rest is just icing on the, um, cake.

Mary Anne in Kentucky

the Bag Lady said...

Mary Anne in Kentucky - yeah, number two was what started it.... not, you understand, that I have anything against drinking (that would be stupid, 'cause I like a drink now and then!) but.... sheesh.

bunnygirl said...

Nice of you not to toss her out. I would've been sorely tempted, no matter the temp outside and her state of drunkenness. Did she at least wake up contrite?

Christine said...

If she ever does it again, I give you permission to ask her, "does this rag smell like chloroform?" and shave her head.

Crabby McSlacker said...

Oh my goodness!

She sounds like a nightmare. Her only redeeming feature is that at least she makes for a hilarious blog post.

kcinnova said...

Twice?!? You allowed her to come in TWICE?!?

Perhaps next time you could video the event? (Please tell me there won't be a next time.)

You are a saint. And a word of advice: don't let your housekeeping standards impress her, or she might move in!!

Terrie Farley Moran said...

df Bag Lady,

Nothing like a young idiot to make an old lady feel superior.

I see you went with the "Lady" part of your nom de plume. Not so sure I would have!!!

Terrie

POD said...

I do all of these all the time in front of older women.

messymimi said...

A great post to read to my (older) kids about why they should never get drunk.

CherylK said...

Wait! POD was over??? That little rascal.

Kim said...

LOL @ POD

Reb said...

Very proud of you for not kicking her to the barn, or doing any damage to the young thang. Also glad that she gave you blog fodder ;)

Charlotte said...

Oh good heavens. I hope you just pushed that couch out the front door and let her wake up in the cold. The pubic hair comment... just... I have no words. It's that appalling.

Anonymous said...

I'm racking my brain trying to figure out who it was??
abby cuz

the Bag Lady said...

BG - I went to bed. The guys stayed up and visited until 3 am, which is well past my bedtime!

Christine - your comment totally cracked me up - I'll keep your solution in mind!

Crabby - I almost didn't post this - cousin Leah convinced me I had to share!

kcinnova - the next time she visits, I'll be sure to toss some clothes around and mess things up! :)

dfTerrie - it was actually rather amusing.... in a bizarre way.

POD - I could say something, but I wouldn't want you to take it the wrong way.... :)

Messymimi - oh yes. Hold her up as a shining example of how NOT to behave!!

Cheryl - that POD. I TRIED to keep her identity a secret.... hey, wait a minute! She's OLDER than I am!

Kim - yup, POD's a firecracker.

Reb - perhaps that's why her boyfriend keeps her around, too. The entertainment value. *ahem*

Charlotte - it's a good thing I didn't hear it at the time. The Rancher was still flabbergasted when he told me, which cracked me up - it takes a lot to shock him!

Cuzzie - nobody you know. And probably will never meet! (Count your blessings!) :)

Missicat said...

umm, wha??? Don't know if I would have throttled her or burst out laughing....

the Bag Lady said...

Missicat - it was a toss-up for me, too! I chose laughter, but it was close for awhile. :)

chocolateramblings said...

OMG!! That actually happened?? Wow.

Marste said...

Whaaaa??? I just . . . I mean . . .

Wow. The mind reels.

(But the next time she comes over, I'd hand her a bottle of Nair and whisper that it's for her "lady issues." Because I'm helpful like that. >:D)

the Bag Lady said...

Chocolateramblings - oh yeah.... I couldn't make this up!

Marste - that totally cracked me up! I'll be buying some Nair, just to have on hand for next time!!

Conny said...

You mean there "will" be a next time?? Yikes!

What was the occasion for such a visit? She's a drunk stranger and stumbled into your house because it's cold outside?

See? Your life is NOT boring. Thanks for sharing that story.

the Bag Lady said...

Conny - she's the new girlfriend of an old friend of the Rancher. Don't know if there will be a next time, but I'll be ready! *snort*

Sagan said...

I thought this was a joke at first.

Conny's "Your life is NOT boring." made me giggle.

I'm flummoxed. How does someone like that survive to the age of 34? This world is full of the crazies.

the Bag Lady said...

Sagan - it takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round!

Clare2e said...

I can add nothing to the story, or the hilarious comments. Simply WOW.

Clare2e said...

And a belated WOW, now that you mention it.

the Bag Lady said...

Clare - that's kinda how I felt, too. Well, okay, maybe not WOW....