HOW TO ALIENATE AN OLDER WOMAN

(in ten easy steps)

1) Simply BE 34 yrs old, blonde, slender, and attractive (and OWN it). That's a great start, especially if you are dressed provocatively.

2) Arrive drunk at the home of the older woman. Twice. That's sure to impress.

3) When the fat, frumpy, fifty-something's hubby proclaims that his neck is bothering him, leap to your feet and immediately start massaging him. (Especially after plopping yourself down right beside him when there is plenty of room to keep your distance).

4) Explain to the F-3 that you really weren't trying to come on to her man.

5) Beak off about how much you love your boyfriend, and how devoted you are to each other (after less than a month of living together), and be sure to bat your eyes at Mr F-3 whilst you do so.

6) Show off your superior conversation skills talking about how much you love your boyfriend's children, and how you have to work so hard to get them to obey you after they spend time with their mother. Be sure to do this right after you explain that your own two sons are living with their fathers (plural) but that you talk to them on the phone periodically.

7) Later in the evening, be sure to complain bitterly about what a terrible housekeeper the previous wife was (not true) and how hard you have had to work to whip the place in to shape. THEN, in response to the F-3's self-deprecating joke regarding her own lack of house-keeping skills, cast your critical eye around the room and proclaim that you could, probably, stand to live in this house. Oh, and don't forget to add a few tips regarding how to clean.

8) Slather your lips with gloss every ten minutes.

9) Stagger out to the living room and pass out on the couch.

10) Wake up, stagger back to the kitchen, join in the conversation briefly before whispering to the fat, frumpy, fifty-something's hubby that you "have a LOT of pubic hair!" before staggering back to the living room to pass out again!

These few tips are guaranteed to ensure that you will make a lasting impression, really.